{"id":210,"date":"2020-10-16T12:56:19","date_gmt":"2020-10-16T11:56:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/comedyvsclimatechange.wordpress.com\/?p=210"},"modified":"2021-01-21T11:40:11","modified_gmt":"2021-01-21T11:40:11","slug":"sandy-loams-top-5-tips-for-billionaire-philanthropists","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/comedyvsclimatechange.org\/?p=210","title":{"rendered":"Sandy Loam’s top 5 tips for billionaire philanthropists"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Being part of the global financial elite has its perks \u2013 but it sure can be lonely at the top! If you are anything like me, you love to stay in touch with the common man; the baker or well-digger or Kate Middleton. But it can be hard to keep an eye on the proletariat while maintaining a safe distance from their problems and general unpleasantness. In this guide, I will tell you how to keep in-touch whilst maintaining a strict social (and economic) distance!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The 99% LOVE the environment. Apparently, they are worried that they won\u2019t be able to move when rising oceans destroy their homes. Imagine that? It\u2019s hard to relate when you\u2019ve already personally sunk a few islands for sport, but it sounds incredibly unpleasant for them. So, here is how you can pretend to care about the environment like an \u2018average joe\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1.<\/strong> Fly commercial<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Did you know that flying has a massive environmental impact? Instead of fueling up the private jet for that cheeky long weekend in Malta, consider flying commercial. It\u2019s adorable, like a bus in the sky. Be sure to book your first-class ticket to remind the other travelers of your superiority, they\u2019ll be grateful for the opportunity to catch a glimpse of your grandeur. Do your bit to save late capitalism by giving them some clear monetary goals to aspire to.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

2. Stop eating meat<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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In the bygone era of grandiose royalty, meat was a marker of status and privilege. With the rise of factory farming and fast food, it seems like every Becky and Karen can enjoy the succulent flesh of a freshly slaughtered calf. While seitan may not taste as good as that fillet, nothing tastes better than the moral superiority of veganism feels. Distract the public from shrinking capital gains taxes by reminding them of the weak moral stature of their high-protein diets. Think of how many animals would be senselessly killed if not for the diet afforded by your intergenerational wealth?<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

3. Don\u2019t buy clothing off-the-rack<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Mass produced clothing often exploits workers to keep costs down. While that sounds like smart business to me, there is also a dark side to department-store fashions \u2013 they produce copious amounts of waste. Instead of buying this season\u2019s ready-to-wear essentials, have all of your clothing custom made by couture fashion houses. While you don\u2019t get to enjoy the buzz of capitalist exploitation from Zara\u2019s production practices, you do get the satisfaction of spending eleven thousand dollars to support your good friend John Galliano who probably isn\u2019t actually <\/em>a Nazi. Probably.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

4. Travel on a palanquin<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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In the age of Uber, it seems like everyone feels entitled to a private chauffer. All of this driving has a horrible environmental impact. Did you know that a Bentley Continental only gets 16 miles per gallon of petrol? (I am told that isn\u2019t very many). Instead of driving like the rest of the world, hire some laborers to carry you on a palanquin like ancient royalty. It might take a little longer to be paraded into town reclining on your satin bed, but you will be the envy of all the plebians you pass on your way, many of whom don\u2019t even know what a palanquin is (can you imagine?). Many palanquins even have coverings to protect you from a potential class war. How quaint!<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

5. Responsible drug use <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Now I don\u2019t particularly care for \u2018rain\u2019 or \u2018forests\u2019, but according to a newspaper, four square meters of rainforest are destroyed for every gram of cocaine produced in Columbia. Of course, I would never suggest you stop using cocaine all together (how much rainforest do they really need?), but instead participate in what I am calling \u201cLines for Lives.\u201d For every line of powder you enjoy, make a small donation to help the rainforest and the people who live there. I\u2019m not exactly sure what happens in the rain forest, who lives there, or why it\u2019s important, but the masses seem quite taken by it so just throw them a bone and hopefully they will leave you alone.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Photos via Canva<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Being part of the global financial elite has its perks \u2013 but it sure can be lonely at the top! If you are anything like me, you love to stay in touch with the common man; the baker or well-digger or Kate Middleton. But it can be hard to keep an eye on the proletariat 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