Howdy, I’m Glen Jambonaut. You might know that name, you might not, but I do pay a lot of people not to say anything bad in relation to that name, so probably (hopefully) not. I thought I’d take a minute to share some info about the groovy shite I’m working on in space. Why? Couple of reasons.
One, people keep chatting at me about the planet dying, and why I’m “not doing anything about it”, and I’m here to tell you, don’t worry – you can bet your ass I’m not helping! None of us are going to be on Earth by then anyway. Sorry, I mean I’m not. I’m gonna be in space, in a space mansion (see number three!). But yeah, if you could stop going on about it I’d really appreciate it. Space = funky cool radical, earth = depressing, alright?
This brings me to reason two. I only have so much money. Sure, it’s pretty much the most money it’s possible to have, but where do you want me to spend it? On some fucking renewable shoes for endangered shrimps, or moonwater jet skis? There’s something we can all enjoy. Sorry, not all of us, me. Me and a select few cool mates, but I’ll definitely send pictures.
Glad that’s settled. Now, I’ll seal the deal with the cool space things I know you’re all hungry for. Except the hungry people, who want food (boring). Alright, let’s get started!
1) A MoonMoon
That’s right, don’t adjust your picture, Jambon only went and said it. My company, X- Infinity-UltraStar-Z, are building an extra moon to orbit the current moon, or as we’re calling it, the Samey Moon. Everyone’s already been to the normal one – it’s played out at this point – but imagine if the moon was cool again. Wowee gasps the audience, and they’d be right. The cost of the MoonMoon would be about $73 trillion dollars, which, as someone screamed at me as I segwayed into my office this morning, is the same cost as converting all the world’s energy sources from fossil fuel to carbon neutral. Honestly, I nearly crashed the seg when I heard this. Because I FELL ASLEEP. “Fossil fuel”, “carbon neutral”. I can’t have space sex either on or near either of these concepts, so I don’t want to hear any more about them.
2) A Mars Bar
A pun and a cool place to hang out?? I think so. At the minute we’re looking at a reasonable and accessible $10 billion ticket to Mars – hell, I think I’ve got a bill on me right now. Wait what? I’ve just been told Big Boy Bezos is giving that same value to climate change research? Such a waste. What’s that? He earned that much in a single day in July 2020 anyway? Oh Jeffy, you always were a sly old bitch, I’ll see you at the Mars Bar. Make mine a triple rocket vodka and star-coke, fill that mooncup to the brim!
3) Space Mansion (ideally on the MoonMoon)
This one goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, just for the piping hot thrill. A mansion. In space. Imagine that. You wake up, ignoring texts from your soon to be ex-wife, and think, I wonder what the weather’s like today? Which of my many blazers to wear? Stop right there you filthy dirt child. There is no weather! It’s in space! Finally the decisions out of my hands. Sure the temperature can vary (give or take 300°C) and I’m not sure what the gravity situation will be for my infinite tennis courts, but my coach, RAFA NADAL, will let me win regardless. That’s what I pay him for (not just shagging about the place with my ex-wife)!
4) Return of the Dinos OR ‘Jurassic World’ (taken??)
This one’s a bit left-field-out-there-radical even for me, and specifics are obviously TBC, but hear me out. Remember when the dinos went to heaven when a big asteroid collided with Ancient Estonia or wherever, and now there’s loads of poor people who I hate and want me to pay them properly? Well, I reckon if one asteroid did the dinosaurs over, another one can bring them back – a flawless plan. We build a big rock out in space (maybe just Pluto?) and chuck it at the Earth, and kill two birds with one fuck off stone. We get the triceratops back AND there’ll be no one around to complain about me establishing up a world-devouring autocratic empire, a real win. Plus at least 10,000 species are already going extinct every year anyway which, crucially, aren’t even that cool. It’s kinder to put them out of their misery than trying whatsoever. If this makes me “a tyrannical god-king” (the words of my ex-wife who shall not be named (LINDA) during divorce proceedings), so be it.
5) Sexy Colonising ©
If you forget everything else you’ve read here today, remember this. The only way we’ll put in the hours to relocate off-planet is if sexy people lead the charge. To achieve optimisation and, crucially, to distract from our withering virility, we’re going to need the help of some absolute out-of-this worldies. Luckily, space has tons of sexy celebs just waiting to rule your local area: George Clooney, Sandy Bollock, Matthew Mcconaughey, the guy from the Bourne films, the chick from Alien (as long as she’s not too old). Vote for your district’s celebrity despot on our soon to be launched platform, Empyr! (Terms and conditions apply, votes may not be counted or reproductive rights given).
Well there you have it, the future as told by me, Glen Jambonaut. Stay compliant!
Glen ‘King’ Herod Jambonaut xx
Billionaire space playboy by day, and also by night.