Everyone has a hero from the silver screen. Whether it’s a caped crusader or an ice enchantress, there are just some figures throughout cinematic history who give us nothing but The Good Vibes. But what if that wasn’t the case? Sorry, let me rephrase that: it ISN’T the case. Every single character you’ve ever stanned or swooned over is a problematic coward who is contributing to the systematic murder of Mother Earth. It’s my genuine pleasure to talk you through this. Let’s begin:
Shrek
His relationship with Donkey isn’t the only thing that’s toxic. That’s right, I’m talking about his fumes. Shrek contributes methane to the earth’s atmosphere like it’s going out of style. Better out than in, he always says. But it’s that kind of talk that is going to make him look like a prize chump when Mother Earth is dying. She’ll look him dead in the eyes and say “You are like an onion, Shrek…insofar as I don’t like onions. Your fumes killed me Shrek, and now the children are crying.”
Forrest Gump
Run Forrest! Run!… From your accountability for damaging and disrupting this beautiful planet’s delicate eco-system. How’s that mass shrimp farming working out for you? Because it’s resulting in an imbalance of species within our oceans and the repercussions of that are monstrous. Bubba Gump sure do like the plethora of serving options available for their produce: fried shrimp; grilled shrimp; barbecue shrimp (all very similar by the way). But let me ask you how you like your planets served Forrest: your options are dead; dead; or DEAD.
Peter Pan
Oil Baron! No further questions!
Joker
Now, we all LOVE the joker. He’s our idol. He knows what it’s like to live in A Society and, you see, I really appreciate that. Did you know that they actually cast an actor called Jokin’ Phoenix to play the role? Incredible stuff. But it doesn’t change the fact that The Joker is killing this planet that we all hold so dear to our hearts. Inciting mass riots and pandemonium is all well and good, but encouraging swathes of Cool Guys to wear a high-density polyethylene mask that will soon be occupying landfill? That’s bad! Why are you doing this to me Arthur “Joker” Fleck? I trusted you! You seemed like one of the least problematic guys of all time. But now look where we are.
Mrs Incredible & Frozone
Every day, Helen Parr wakes up with the ability to stretch herself so thin as to actually cover up the holes of the ozone layer and she chooses not to. Every day, she wakes up and could use herself to plug up the leaks in oil rigs and stop further water pollution, and she chooses not to. Instead she stretches herself out to be super thicc. Unnecessary. Also, what is Frozone doing during all of this? The man can literally conjure ice for fun and instead of saving the world, he spends his days disappointing his wife. Do better!
Paddington
Soft. Cuddly. Polite. A true gentlebear. Right? Wrong! Fuck this bear! This bear is murdering Mother Earth. I know what you’re thinking: “What has Paddington, national treasure, and parabolic bastion of light done to deserve these somewhat harsh words?” Well, ever heard of a carbon footprint? This cowardly “bear” travelled from Deepest Darkest Peru exclusively to import a singular (1) marmalade sandwich. (NB: I fell asleep during the first 20 minutes of the film but this is accurate as far as I am aware). If it were up to me I would send him to jail. But not the happy tap dancing jail. JAIL jail. A hard stare? More like a hard kick in his furry ass. CANCELLED.
Snow White
Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the most exploitative of them all? That’s right: The Pale Songstress in Chief. Each day the dwarves descend into the mines, but these boys aren’t looking for lovely diamonds any more. No, they gave up on that Uncut Gems game a long time ago, after The Prince had Dopey killed for loaning his prize cut to Kevin Garnett. Nowadays these boys are digging for good old-fashioned coal under the banner of White & Charming Ltd. Happily ever afters don’t come cheap, and this happy couple were willing to sacrifice the happiness of their short statured friends AND the longevity of earth’s status as a habitable planet for humans. If there’s one thing we learn from this sordid tale, it’s that fossil fuels need to go the way of Dopey. RIP.
Paul Blart
ACAB
Stuart Little
Why this family adopted a literal mouse as their actual son I will never, never know. It keeps me awake at night. It makes me cry. But what’s worse is that they gave their son a Corvette. Why? Why does this child need a car? I say child, but he does have the auto vehicular prowess and literal voice of a middle-aged man. I’m very confused. I would like to move on from this. This mouse drives his car to the kitchen. He drives his car to the living room. He drives his car to work as an accountant, because this rodent is honestly 46 years old. Dispose of the car. Dispose of the man-mouse. Dispose of unnecessary emissions!
Bróccán Tyzack-Carlin is a poet and comedian from Hartlepool. His 5* debut show “Dont Bother” toured to Edinburgh Fringe, Brighton Fringe and loads of other places that you didn’t bother to turn up to. It also won a Saboteur Award (oppa Trapped style). He is a multiple slam winner and has performed his work at the Royal Albert Hall. His closest friend is a small dog named Veronica, and he is one half (1/2) of the infamously craven sketch duo Rompers.