Being part of the global financial elite has its perks – but it sure can be lonely at the top! If you are anything like me, you love to stay in touch with the common man; the baker or well-digger or Kate Middleton. But it can be hard to keep an eye on the proletariat while maintaining a safe distance from their problems and general unpleasantness. In this guide, I will tell you how to keep in-touch whilst maintaining a strict social (and economic) distance!
The 99% LOVE the environment. Apparently, they are worried that they won’t be able to move when rising oceans destroy their homes. Imagine that? It’s hard to relate when you’ve already personally sunk a few islands for sport, but it sounds incredibly unpleasant for them. So, here is how you can pretend to care about the environment like an ‘average joe’.
1. Fly commercial
Did you know that flying has a massive environmental impact? Instead of fueling up the private jet for that cheeky long weekend in Malta, consider flying commercial. It’s adorable, like a bus in the sky. Be sure to book your first-class ticket to remind the other travelers of your superiority, they’ll be grateful for the opportunity to catch a glimpse of your grandeur. Do your bit to save late capitalism by giving them some clear monetary goals to aspire to.
2. Stop eating meat
In the bygone era of grandiose royalty, meat was a marker of status and privilege. With the rise of factory farming and fast food, it seems like every Becky and Karen can enjoy the succulent flesh of a freshly slaughtered calf. While seitan may not taste as good as that fillet, nothing tastes better than the moral superiority of veganism feels. Distract the public from shrinking capital gains taxes by reminding them of the weak moral stature of their high-protein diets. Think of how many animals would be senselessly killed if not for the diet afforded by your intergenerational wealth?
3. Don’t buy clothing off-the-rack
Mass produced clothing often exploits workers to keep costs down. While that sounds like smart business to me, there is also a dark side to department-store fashions – they produce copious amounts of waste. Instead of buying this season’s ready-to-wear essentials, have all of your clothing custom made by couture fashion houses. While you don’t get to enjoy the buzz of capitalist exploitation from Zara’s production practices, you do get the satisfaction of spending eleven thousand dollars to support your good friend John Galliano who probably isn’t actually a Nazi. Probably.
4. Travel on a palanquin
In the age of Uber, it seems like everyone feels entitled to a private chauffer. All of this driving has a horrible environmental impact. Did you know that a Bentley Continental only gets 16 miles per gallon of petrol? (I am told that isn’t very many). Instead of driving like the rest of the world, hire some laborers to carry you on a palanquin like ancient royalty. It might take a little longer to be paraded into town reclining on your satin bed, but you will be the envy of all the plebians you pass on your way, many of whom don’t even know what a palanquin is (can you imagine?). Many palanquins even have coverings to protect you from a potential class war. How quaint!
5. Responsible drug use
Now I don’t particularly care for ‘rain’ or ‘forests’, but according to a newspaper, four square meters of rainforest are destroyed for every gram of cocaine produced in Columbia. Of course, I would never suggest you stop using cocaine all together (how much rainforest do they really need?), but instead participate in what I am calling “Lines for Lives.” For every line of powder you enjoy, make a small donation to help the rainforest and the people who live there. I’m not exactly sure what happens in the rain forest, who lives there, or why it’s important, but the masses seem quite taken by it so just throw them a bone and hopefully they will leave you alone.
Photos via Canva
Sandy is a typical Greenwich housewife. After studying etiquette and entitlement at Bates College, she married her first husband and moved to Connecticut. The couple live happily with their two Yorkshire Terriers and Filipino pool boy. Sandy is passionate about the environment and estate taxes. She hopes that by contributing to The Dump she can give the working class something to admire and aspire towards.