“Fatherhood is the greatest transformation of all.”
Tristan Robinson (2020), Becoming Charlie: How adopting my Angels allowed me to discover the Joys of Chicken Fatherhood.
This is, without a doubt, the truest thing ever said to me, by myself, as I cross the road to a distant chorus of clucks and scratches. The day has begun, and for the wicked? Narry a rest.
It’s 9 in the morning. During lockdown, this is basically the witching hour. ‘For the wicked narry a rest!’, I shout, angering neighbours on my pilgrimage, as the beating of wings draws closer. Time to chick in. I approach the fence. Lucy, Cameron and Drew stare up at me with expectant faces, beaks poised for whatever scraps of manna may fall from heaven. And they’d know a thing or two about that, don’t you worry one dime.
These are my angels, hens I bought for a mere six quid at the beginning of The Current Madness, and quickly discovered their personalities mapped seamlessly onto the cast of Charlie’s Angels (2000) and celebrated sequel, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (2003).
The largest and lightest plumed of the bunch is Cameron. Somewhat ditsy but with a heart of gold, she’s easily led by others, though stopping short of anything that would endanger the mission. Lucy, the people’s princess, is her own woman, and for the large part does her own thing. More of an independent thinker, her sage wisdom is often ignored by her colleagues, but, ultimately, she is perhaps the most respected of the crew.
Lastly the rebel, Drew. Ever the trouble maker, Drew fights against the structures into which she is placed, and her internal angst is represented in her messy plumage and small stature. The most bombastic of the crew, she is the first into the fray, which is known to get her into all kinds of trouble, and, notably, piss people off nine ways to Sunday. She also pecks at my kecks, which, surprisingly, Barrymore was also infamous for on the set of The Wedding Singer (1998) – Sandler could barely walk by the end of production.
I know what you’re thinking. I would’ve thought the same before my angels arrived. ‘They’re just lizards with wings‘, you scream from the back of your high horse atop your ivory tower, all the while moisturising your velvetine hands. Well they’re much more than that. They each have their own hopes, dreams, flaws, battles and complexities. They have complicated, sometimes tumultuous relationships. They eat corn and hate rats, yes, but so do we, mostly. Point being, these girls have got a lot to say.
Even in the process of writing whatever this is, the tides of change are felt in the coop. Cameron is now head hen, and her former friends have fallen down the pecking order. This has me thinking – what if I’m the problem? The two-dimensional way I’ve been viewing their personalities, as in the script of Charlie’s Angels and, dare I say, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, has failed to reflect the individuals underneath. I never guessed Cameron would go alpha, but Hollywood is a brutal place. Maybe it changed her. Maybe I never saw the real Cameron, only the Cameron presented to me. Either way, we’re looking at a new world order.
It’s lessons like this that have really made me appreciate becoming a Chicken Father (don’t you dare make a cock joke, I’ll lose it). Beyond the simple daily rituals of giving them their feed and fresh water, changing their coop now and then, bringing them fun scraps to go at (and so on), I feel like I’m seeing Cameron, Lucy and Drew grow, with my help. Is this what it’s like to be a dad? Objectively not, but I’ve got nothing on, so I’ll pretend like it is.
I’ll keep trying to be the best Charlie I can. All they need to do is follow their mission. And churn out some eggs, that’d be nice.
Tristan is a comedian, actor and writer specialising in comedy, acting, writing and comedy. Recently promoted to senior partner in sketch duo Rompers, he lives in the North East if you can believe it and likes the idea of Planet Earth continuing to be alive.