Monday night heralded in the ‘Frosty’ or ‘Beaver’ November full moon. Although ‘frosty beaver’ feels like a bit of a dig this socially distanced cuffing season, this got us thinking about what an exciting year our beloved natural satellite has had. In October, NASA dropped the HUGE (if true) news that water has been discovered on the moon. And here I was thinking that it was just American flags and some dusty old footprints from the 60s. Or was that just a Stanley Kubrick set somewhere in Hollywood? The jury is still very much out on this one. But to my understanding (Physics GCSE, grade redacted), this reveals that the moon is possibly one of the most hospitable celestial bodies in striking distance of Earth. Which begs the question, Elon: does this mean we don’t need to bother going to Mars?
Although the whole ‘men are from mars and women are from venus’ concept is obviously toxic (see also: binary gender in general), I do find it very Convenient that our so-called ‘Plan(et) B’ is the ‘man’ one. Because this man’s world turned out SO well. Either way, pack light so there’s room for man-spreading, because it looks like we’re taking the patriarchy into space. Inevitable really, given that the only people who can afford space travel are the billionaires that run this capitalist hellscape into the ground in the first place. The spacetriarchy wins again. But what if there’s another option? Could our saving grace be the moon, which hits our eyes like a big pizza pie? Could this be amore?
So to show some appreciation our favourite moon in the whole of the galaxy – nay, universe! – The Dump have been fantasising about all the best types of water that might be waiting for us up in the night sky:
ICE
It’s 2020, dream big. Whilst the Earth’s ice-caps melt, we could be living a literal Frozen fantasy on the Moon. This would be all the fun of ice-skating but without the effort of returning to your warm and oxygenated home when you get tired and grumpy from the cold. Sick of falling on your ass and miss being able to feel your extremities? Let it go, my friend, this is how we live now.
SNOW
This would be amazing for like, the Winter Olympics. Imagine all the sick ollies you could pop on your moonboard at near 0 Gs. Though not dissimilar to the ice-world, I picture this set-up would be less like Game of Thrones and more like Club Penguin. It would also be a super cute festive set up for a potential revival of the John Lewis ad with the lonely old man on the moon. It’s nice that he’ll have some pals to spend his Christmas with at last, even if it’s because our home planet is now FUBAR.
SPARKLING
Imagine the reduction in plastic waste if Sodastreams were obsolete? We can finally say San Pellegri-No to bottled fizzy water when we discover the real stuff effervescing from each and every crater of the moon. Whilst I haven’t got the science on this totally cleared, I don’t see why this is necessarily impossible and therefore we can still live in hope. Imagine – all those years begrudgingly training myself to actually enjoy water that is shockingly overpriced and startlingly carbonated may finally be worth it. Hook it to my v e i n s.
TAP WATER
The king of waters. Just like tap water at home. But on the moon. What could be better? The future is now.
HOT SPRING
Space is cold. But you know what isn’t? A natural thermal spring. We’re all gonna need a break after our 3-day rocket voyage from SpaceX, and what could fit the bill better than a spa-day at the galaxy’s hottest newest resort? Don’t forget your swimmers, because no one is mooning the moon on my watch. No sir, not today. Show some respect to the humble rock we now call home.
Alison Middleton is a PhD student studying laughter in tragedy, which is not nearly as funny as she had hoped. She started up Comedy vs Climate Change in 2019, back when live events were a thing we did (imagine?!). To address the deep void she usually filled with stand-up and sketch comedy, she’s recently taken her writing to publications like Funny Women and Chortle. She has amassed a small but loyal following of Facebook based reply-guys.